#AskPorsha: I Want Marriage & Kids, But He Says No

Hey Porsha,

So I’m in a relationship with a guy named Drae for 6 years. We’ve lived together for 5 1/2 of those 6 years. Everything in our relationship has been going great thus far and we are REALLY happy. He’s literally the perfect man for me. Our connection is unbelievable. Well about 6 months ago I was instantly hit with these feeling of wanting to be married and having kids. It’s like my clock turned on. I’m 35 and I’ve never had these feelings before. Getting married was never a must for me and lord knows I have never wanted kids…until now. When I confronted Drae with this he immediately shut it down. He said the one thing he liked most about me when we first started dating was that I didn’t seem “family hungry.” He says kids for him is OUT! His mother and I continued to press him about marriage so he eventually said “okay, yea I can marry you because I do want to be with you forever so I can marry you.” But he said absolutely no to children and hasn’t budged in the last 6 months. I don’t know what to do. I really want a family and can’t see myself without children right now. Will I resent him one day?

-Ticking Clock

 

Hi Ticking Clock,

Wow girl! I know your story all to well. I sympathize with you because I too was once madly in love with someone who told me they never wanted children or marriage. It’s heartbreaking. It’s basically a choice between him, the man you’ve grown to love and adore and want to spend the rest of your life with, or a child that you’ve never met and aren’t sure you will ever have. To the unsympathetic eye it may seem like an easy choice, but it’s definitely not. Men don’t always realize that as females, we dream about walking down the aisle, having a fairy tale wedding, picking out china patterns, announcing our pregnancy, and then barring a child with the man we love. Those dreams usually kick off when we are early in age so to tell us we aren’t allowed to have those things after imagining it for decades is hard to do.

I definitely see where Drae is coming from to a certain degree. If this was never something you all talked about and since you said yourself that you never wanted to have children I’m going to assume that the two of you talked about it to some degree early in the relationship.  If he continued with this relationship under the impression that you two were on the same page and didn’t want to have children then it is shocking for you to re-nig. But…there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you had a change of heart. People get older, people change, anyone who is the same person from 16 to 40 years of age hasn’t grown, hasn’t stepped in to womanhood, hasn’t evolved. I recently found myself trying to convince a few friends of mine who were mad about Beyonce’s new “sexual” album that the woman is 32 years old, she’s married, in love, and just had a baby. The woman is having…SEX! So why not sing about it? If you expect a woman to never change her mind, never want more, never aspire to become MORE then you in the end have not truly accepted her.

I feel sorry for your situation because you have invested 6 years of your life, 6 years that you ultimately can’t get back; on a man who isn’t willing to make ALL your dreams come true. I had a conversation with a few friends of mine during my own heartbreaking revelation, and they all told me I was crazy for my 2 key (interview) first date questions.

Question 1:  Do you have any children?

If he says no then I go to my sub-question

Sub-Question 1: Do you want children? or Do you want more children?

This lets you know in a very subtle way whether or not he has an issue with wrapping up his penis or if he possibly wants kids.  You’re knocking out to vital questions in a very subtle way. Most men don’t even pick up on the fact that your digging. It’s just normal conversation. In fact most men will ask YOU FIRST if you have children. So it’s not as obvious as some people try to make it seem.

Question 2: Have you ever been married?

If he says no then I go into my sub-question

Sub Question 2: Do you want to get married some day or do you think you’ll be a bachelor forever?

If he says yes, he was married then you respond with

Sub-Question 3: Would you get married again or did that situation taint you?

With these questions, you’re finding out not only if he’s even marriage material,but, if his last situation has left him bitter and haunted.

Now even though you’re 6 years deep and well past the point of asking these questions; I’m giving you these steps because in my opinion, which may not be the popular opinion here, but I do believe that in order for you and him both to be happy you may need to go your separate ways. I don’t want to influence your decision, but, if he’s that head strong and certain that he doesn’t EVER want children then at the age you’re at you really can’t afford to wait another 6 years for him to change his mind. But I think it’s important for you to also consider the fact that you may not meet another man who makes you feel the way Drae does. Then what? IVF? Adoption? You will have the child but no companion to share it with. There are a lot of decisions to make in a situation like this. I can’t tell you what to do but I can tell you that if you choose to stay with Drae knowing in your heart that you want children, then you will be disappointed and eventually resentful towards him for making you miss the window of opportunity.  If you pull an “Ooops I’m pregnant” on him then he may turn out resenting you. So there’s no win win here. I think you need to seriously evaluate which one will not only make you happy but KEEP you happy. If you’re spiritual at all I suggest you ask God for a sign. Put it in God’s hands and allow him to maneuver your life in the direction it needs to go. By the way, doesn’t it really suck that you’re the one who ultimately, no matter what you decide, will have to make a sacrifice? Where’s his sacrifice? You should ask him that. What will he bring to the table to make you not resent him for refusing to give you children?

Good luck sis! I definitely know, understand, and feel your pain. When the road gets rocky like this, you know there’s something good up ahead. Look ahead!

-Porsha Deshannon

What do you think? Should Ticking Clock STAY or GO?

 

Porsha Deshannon

Porsha Deshannon is a freelance writer and lives in Atlanta, GA. She began her career as a journalist for The Urban News in Asheville, NC and Assistant Editor for the Hilltop News. She is an avid fashion follower and writes cutting-edge style and beauty articles that inspire women to be there absolute best.

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