Written by: Langston John Blaze
Most gay men will say that they’re looking for consistency in a man; then, that man is consistent and suddenly he’s one more consistent step from getting ignored. The silent gay theory is that men like being dawged. The more a man gets hurt in a gay dating situation, he either becomes the heartbreaker, too prideful to admit to hurt feelings ,or, the brokenhearted, so motivated by failure or the chase ,that he continues to try until he gets burned in the end. The heartbreaker is the gay man with the ego verses emotional disorder, a known illness in the gay community, where men would rather pretend not to be as interested as oppose to the vulnerable truth.
I have never been a man who knew how to detour my feelings when it comes to my interests in a guy. Men have damn near had to run my heart over with a semi-truck in order for me to give up. Even then, I would probably try to glue the pieces back together and give him another chance. Well, that was the January 2013-May 2013 version of me.
Meanwhile, I’d been dating Joshua Gates, a friend of Nathan, who was the last guy I was truly interested in, who was also newly in a relationship. Honestly, I never intended on putting Josh in the picture as a potential for anything. I just wanted to meet a new friend. But after Josh kissed me, things changed. I considered him as…well, something more than just a friend. Josh was witty like Nathan, cute like Nathan, dressed just as nice as Nathan, and as smart as Nathan. Only one problem. He wasn’t Nathan.
Soon after our late night encounter, I noticed Joshua’s inconsistency. Suddenly, he wasn’t getting my text messages and he felt the need to inform me that he was “Chillin” with his ex, who I might add was a woman. I had nothing against dating bisexual men. It was just the fact that Josh considered his ex his best friend. So, why label her “Chillin with my ex-girl” instead of her new role, “Chillin with my BEST FRIEND”.
I guess I wasn’t suppose to be offended since she had different tools than me but apparently, at one point, Josh enjoyed those tools. Even before the first night we hooked up, cautiously, he asked my whereabouts, not wanting me to run into her as I made my way to his place. Frankly, the entire thing was aggravating me.
However, my aggravation was different. I didn’t love Josh. Hell, I was trying to find my true sense of liking him for stronger reasons than his great kiss and his wit. He was making me pull back when I was experiencing him to try something new. I’d been interested in these extra social butterfly sexy popular somewhat masculine me who ended up loving you with heartbreak. I would not be played again. “Give him a chance,” my coworker, Monique told me, trying to get me out of my light skinned boy phase.
When I finally told Monique all that Joshua was doing, she said, “Oh hell no! Next!” Nevertheless, I took her initial advice. I gave Josh a chance. I asked him on a date via text since I was working. He replied, “You always want to date on the weekend lol” I frowned at the message and replied, “Are weekends reserved for your Friday-Sunday boo lol?” He replied, “No, just drinking and partying.”
That was my last straw. And although, it wasn’t the worse thing in the world, I realized I was putting effort into a man who came second best to a man (Nathan) who I couldn’t have because he was in a relationship. They say, “Love is a game.” Some times, I wonder am I willing to play or is this generations version of “I love you” “I love you but…” Maybe, I was not cut out. In the words